âLonely Little Petuniaâ syndrome spreading faster than Ebola for Democrats
DES MOINES, IOWA — Democratic voters throughout America were in deep shock this morning when President Barack Obama did not write to them asking for money.
Even worse, there were no email solicitations from Nancy Pelosi, Bill Clinton, nor any of their local candidates for Governor, state Senator, etc.
Disturbed Democrats and even some Independents were observed displaying symptoms of acute withdrawal, including twitches, sniffles and having trouble reaching for their wallets.
âNow that theyâve all stopped writing I feel so used,â said Ed âGrumpy Gusâ Gillespie of Des Moines, Iowa. âNot even Barbra Streisand writes any more, and sheâll sign anything.â
Gillespie added: âBefore November 5 they just couldnât get enough of me. I was like the last rose of summer. Now Iâm just a lonely little petunia in an onion patch. All I do is cry all day.â
Gillespie explained that for the past several months, âand maybe even for a year,â morning emails from Democrats had regularly “shocked him into consciousness” with frightening subject lines addressed to him personally. They got scarier as the election approached.
âLike âED GILLESPIE! DISASTER IS ABOUT TO STRIKE!ââ he said. âAnd âED GILLESPIE! CAN YOU CHIP IN $5.00 OR MORE?â
âEven The Daily KOS got into the act, putting my name into its actual headlines! âEd Gillespie, if you canât chip in $5.00 or more, can you make phone calls?â Within no time Iâd be groping for my debit card or choking on my coffee over another GOP atrocity.â
Gillespie continued: âWhen youâre terrified first thing, you sure get going fast. God, I miss that. How am I supposed to wake up in the morning now?â
This reporter assured Mr. Gillespie that things would soon be back to normal. âThe 2016 presidential campaign is already under way,â I told him. âTheyâll be back to scaring up the big bucks in no time at all.â
âThank God,â Gillespie said. âI tried worrying about Ebola and ISIS, but Iâm just not a Republican.â