Ripping the Headlines Today, 11/11/14

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Nik Wallenda walks a high wire above Chicago

Big deal, if he wanted to do something dangerous, he should have walked the actual streets of Chicago.

Washington DC legalizes pot

Well, it already is the dope capital of the world.

NASA says Earth just experienced the warmest six-month stretch EVER

So what, they’re not as smart as a bunch of rocket scientists… oh wait.

Republicans take both Houses of Congress

In related news, Donald Trump’s toupee saw its shadow on Election Day, which means two more years of gridlock.

25 best colleges if you want to be an accountant

This is actually the list of the 25 worst party schools in the country.

President Obama meets with Republican members of Congress

Mostly, because they are the only one’s left.

African Lions are last big cat covered by the Endangered Species Act

Hey, if the Detroit Lions can be revived, anything can.

Pastor who prayed for Obama’s death calls President ‘Communist Bastard’ with ‘Whore Mother’

Amazing. I had no idea Leon Panetta was a pastor.

Former Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown loses NH Senate run

Buy your ‘Scott Brown for Senator of Connecticut 2016’ bumper stickers now.

South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham reelected

Which really means he won six more years on ‘Meet The Press.’

Amanda Bynes falls asleep on a couch in a shopping mall!

Your move, Lindsay Lohan.

New Zealand drops murder for hire charges against AC/DC’s Phil Rudd

Man, at this stage of his career, he can’t even get himself arrested.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)