Ripping the Headlines Today, 11/17/14

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Pope urges G-20 to focus on helping the poor

The last time a Pope mentioned G-20 it was during a Church Bingo Night.

350-year-old high heels uncovered at Irish castle

Betty White: ‘So that’s where I left them.’

Walmart to sell health insurance

Although, I’m not sure I want a 7-year-old Chinese kid operating on me.

NATO jets intercept Russian military plane over Baltic States

As opposed to NY Jets who only get intercepted.

25 years ago the Berlin Wall came down

Many are thinking of putting it back up to keep out David Hasselhoff.

Happy 50th B-day, Calista Flockhart

Congratulations on your age and weight now being the same.

Ted Cruz says net neutrality is ‘Obamacare for the Internet’

Look for Rand Paul to top him by calling it ‘The Web Benghazi.’

Surgeon with Ebola virus flown to Nebraska

I’m guessing because the virus would rather die than be in Nebraska.

CBS apologize for airing Harbaugh comments

What they should apologize for is airing Raider games.

Frozen actress sues Disney over $926 paycheck for voicing Elsa

No word if frozen Walt Disney responded.

Kim Kardashian goes full frontal naked

Mostly because no one would recognize her with her clothes on.

Glenn Beck reveals brain disease ‘made me look crazy’ on Fox News

Which given the competition on FOX News really says something.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)