Lost Journal: Happy Thankslisting! - Tim Mollen, Humor Times

Journal entry: November 29, 2009 (age 40) – Thanksgiving Thankslisting

In honor of Thanksgiving week, this is my annual reflection on the things we (or at least I) have to be thankful for:

The huge bailout for the ailing newspaper and print publishing industries. Oh, wait – that hasn’t happened.
The huge bailout for literary, performing, and fine artists, who ALWAYS need more financial support. Oh, wait…
Snuggie formal wear.
The spot on a cat’s back, just before the tail, where a few good scritches gets them really annoyed.
The unfortunate workers who have to stuff giblets into bags and shove the bags into turkeys.
The security of knowing that if something were to bring about my untimely demise, my wife could easily find solace in the arms of The Mentalist.
The lack of competition for my frequent gigs as a Ronnie Milsap impersonator.
The hours of productivity gained by ignoring Facebook requests to join someone’s “Mafia” or farm collective.
The forthcoming Right Said Fred version of Guitar Hero.
NASA’s decision to replace the space shuttle fleet with ’60s-style rockets. In a few years, they might advance to using dirigibles, or platform heels.
The lack of a political movement to legalize “medical methamphetamine.”
The decision by some supermarkets to stop printing a logo on their brown paper bags. They wisely realized it’s better to be associated with reusable bags than the tons of brown paper filling up landfills.
The inability to smell ghosts.
The return of ‘80s fashions, freeing millions of oversized fluorescent sweaters, torn sweatshirts, leg warmers, skinny ties and preppy Izod shirts from America’s closets.
Norwegians.
The fact that re-releases of film classics like Attack of the 60-foot Centerfolds and No Dinner, Dad, Till You Mow the Lawn will be now be labeled “from Academy Award winning filmmaker Roger Corman!”
The comfort of knowing that the United Nations Security Council now includes Uganda.
Self-stick stamps and envelopes, which prevent paper cuts on the tongue and that awful chemical taste. (For old times’ sake, however, I do lick an occasional e-mail.)
Non-election years.
The growing consensus among consumers that turkey deep-fryers are only slightly less dangerous than Pop Tart flamethrowers.
The repair and restarting of the Large Hadron Collider particle accelerator in Geneva, Switzerland, moving the scientific community closer to understanding the Big Bang and locating the elusive “Waldo” particle.
Aquaman.
Medical advisories to replace flu-laden high-fives with sweet, back-of-the-hand-on-back-of-the-hand action.

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Buy your copy of "Lost Journal - the Book" at www.timmollen.com.Each Lost Journal column is a journal entry written in retrospect. In other words, Mollen chooses a different day from his past, and writes about it as though it were today. The date may be last week, Halloween 1980, or the day he was born (May 4, 1969). Some of you may be asking, “But how would he have been able to write a journal entry on the day he was born?” To you he says: “Lighten up. It’s a humor column.” Mollen is a nationally syndicated columnist and actor, and he is available as a speaker on writing and humor.