Ripping the Headlines Today, 12/8/14

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

NYPD uses military-grade sonic weapon on Eric Garner protesters

Not only did the people disperse but their teeth were plaque free.

U.S. Navy takes away Bill Cosby’s honorary Chief Petty Officer title

No word if they’ll name him a Chief Heavy Petting Officer.

Mark Wahlberg wants to be pardoned

Sorry, Dude, you chose to be in ‘Date Night,’ now live with it.

Grand Jury indicts guy who filmed Eric Garner choking

While the people responsible for the movie ‘Glitter’ continue to go unpunished.

ADHD linked to air pollution, research suggests

Or, maybe, it’s linked to air pollution.

Busta Rhyme falls off stage and injures self

At his age, he better worry his name doesn’t become Busta Hip.

Ex-NFL QB Ryan Leaf released from prison

No word if they’ll retire his number 3452835.

Obama nominates Ashton Carter as Defense Secretary

I guess he has a lot of free time since CBS cancelled ‘Two and Half Men.’

MLB umpire Dale Scott says he’s gay

Bringing new meaning to the term, “Y’rrrrrrrr out!”

People Magazine mistakenly posts an Obit for Kirk Douglas

To make up for it they named him ‘People’s Sexiest Man Barely Alive.’

The GOP staffer who criticized Obama’s daughters was arrested as a teen

However, she is claiming back then she was young, black and male.

St. Louis Rams do “Hands Raised, Don’t Shoot’ salute in support of Ferguson protests

While NY Jets show solidarity with Ebola sufferers by not catching anything.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)