Ripping the Headlines Today, 12/16/14

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Huge swastika spotted at bottom of Brazilian swimming pool

Looks like they’re filming ‘The Pool Boys of Brazil.’

Guy goes to Mexico to kill himself, spends week doing coke and banging hookers, decides to keep living

And, one day return to his rightful place as Mayor of Toronto.

Obama quotes nonexistent Bible verse in immigration speech

Anyone check the Koran to see if he’s screwing with Right Wingers?

Congress abruptly overrules D.C. voters, nixes marijuana legalization

Too bad, D.C. should stand for District of Cannabis.

Sony Leak: Studio exec calls Kevin Hart a greedy ‘whore’

Given that it was a studio exec, it may have been a compliment.

Report: Carmelo Anthony threatened to beat up teammate Tim Hardaway Jr.

Which would make it one of the few things any New York Knick has beaten this year.

Russian PM warns against ‘hysterics’ over ruble collapse

Now that’s what I call Putin on a happy face.

Time names Ebola fighters as its ‘2014 Person of the Year’

Look for runner up Taylor Swift to write a song about Time jilting her.

Florida woman found dead with arrows in head

Steve Martin: ‘Kids, I told you not to try that arrow bit at home.’

Police: ‘Apple will become the phone of choice for the pedophile’

Leaving Android to go after serial killers and cannibals.

Karl Rove heckled throughout speech in Massachusetts, called ‘murderer,’ ‘terrorist’

And, that was just his family…

Man who used McDonald’s McChicken Sandwich as weapon against pregnant wife is arrested

Ironically, he confessed after he was grilled.

Sean Foley on Tiger Woods: ‘I’ve seen him tip caddies $400’

Usually, after he hits them with a 5 Iron. Oh wait, wrong type of Caddy.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)