Ripping the Headlines Today, 1/12/15

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Unity and defiance: Thousands converge on Paris in anti terrorism rally

In honor of our French allies let’s rename ‘Freedom Fries,’ ‘French Fries.’ Je Suis Charlie.

Gov. Christie interrogated by federal investigators over bridge scandal

If he spilled his guts, it took awhile.

U.S gains most jobs in year since 1999

Republicans are taking credit, seems lots of those jobs were to investigate Benghazi.

Woman describes her 2’ 8” husband as ‘one of the most sexual people I have ever met’

Clearly, someone’s ‘getting a little.’

Mitt Romney thinking of running for President a third time

Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?

George Zimmerman arrested in Florida on aggravated assault charge

I see why Florida let’s people have guns. It’s to protect them from Zimmerman.

Giada De Laurentiis denies sexual affair with Matt Lauer

Although, that would answer the question, ‘Where in the world is Matt Lauer?’

Kate Gosselin has a new boyfriend! Mom of eight dating millionaire Jeff Prescott

A man who apparently doesn’t have Google.

Guy fixes his overheating Macbook Pro by putting it in the oven and baking it at 170 degrees

Bringing new meaning to the term “baked apple.’

Harry Reid falls and breaks facial bones

Here’s betting he won’t be first Pol to fall on his face… Or, last.

Firefighters rescue naked woman trapped in ex-boyfriend’s chimney

Nobody tell Mrs. Claus.

Two Guys with guns have showdown on first day of Georgia’s new ‘guns everywhere’ law

Hope they play for Falcons, those guys can’t hit anything.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)