Ripping the Headlines Today, 1/19/15

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

McDonald’s customer finds ‘faces of the damned’ floating in sundae

Strange, I usually find them in front of me in the drive thru.

Kylie Jenner pregnant: Report claims reality TV star expecting baby

Proving Kardashians don’t have babies, they have spinoffs.

Senate to vote on whether climate change is real

Followed by votes on unicorns, the Easter Bunny and Milli Vanilli’s vocal tracks.

CNN just got permission to experiment with drones

I thought that’s what they were doing with Wolf Blitzer and Don Lemon.

Black Lab in Seattle takes bus to park by herself

And, thanks to Rosa Parks he can sit anywhere he likes.

NBA announcer Greg Anthony arrested for soliciting a prostitute

And, he’s still not the freakiest person in his broadcast booth with Marv Albert.

The Black Crows breaking up after 25 years

It was that, or change their name to The Black Crow’s Feet.

Woman plans to marry her father after two years of dating

Well, at least, it’s not her mom. Because that would just be wrong.

Romney hints at 3rd campaign in RNC speech

If Romney, Bush or Clinton run against each other for Prez, Election Day should moved from Tuesday to Throwback Thursday.

Happy 34th Birthday, Pitbull

Or, happy 238th in dog years.

Long time Marlboro man died at 85

He can now go to heaven and be reunited with his lungs.

Republican Congressman compares Obama to Hitler for not attending Paris march

Huh? Hitler couldn’t wait to get to Paris.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)