Ripping the Headlines Today, 2/2/15

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Dick Cheney turned 74

He was born a “long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…”

John Kerry fined 50 dollars for not shoveling snow

Ironically, making him one of the few politicians ever cited for not shoveling it.

Mayweather Vs. Pacquiao — DEAL DONE … Fight Set

At their ages, instead of a Ref, in case of a knockdown, they’ll just have a life alert go off.

Eddie Murphy returning to SNL for the first time since ’84

They actually offered it to him then, but he was just finally able to hail a NYC cab.

Tom Petty awarded songwriting royalties for Sam Smith’s ‘Stay With Me’

No word when Petty will be paying Bob Dylan royalties for his voice.

Small drone crashes at White House complex

I thought we now call them ‘little people.’

NYC’s mass transit shut down

Which is going to leave 1000’s of NYers without a place to pee.

Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin went to dinner: What does it mean?

We all have way too much free time.

Sarah Palin’s TelePrompTer froze

Even it couldn’t believe what it was saying.

Nobel Laureate and laser inventor, Charles Townes, dies at 99

A man without whom cats would only be chasing feathers and mice.

British man convicted of having sex with a mailbox

Yeah, if he got it pregnant, you know the delivery would be late.

Fla. boy’s circumcision spurs lengthy legal battle, protests

Tough case, all the evidence is circumcisional.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)