Ripping the Headlines Today, 2/8/15

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Brian Williams taking himself off air temporarily

Which should give him time to restore order to the streets of Gotham City.

Suge Knight rushed to hospital after panic attack

I guess it’s ok, as long as they didn’t let him drive.

Charles Manson not getting married after all

I guess it’s back to the dating scene on EHarmMe.

Oregon strippers lobby for better work conditions

Ok, now we’re talking my kinda pole tax.

McDonald’s adds ‘Triple Cheeseburger’ to menu

The children’s meal comes with a tiny defibrillator.

Obama takes fire for Crusades comparison

Especially from Brian Williams who was wounded during them.

Police: Lance Armstrong hit parked cars, blamed girlfriend

Jeez, the ball on that guy.

Sarah Palin thinking of running for President

My bet is a comedian with an incurable disease asked for this from ‘Make A Wish.’

Woman crashes car while shaving privates

I’m guessing this has nothing to do with the military.

A massive fleet of private jets is currently leaving the Super Bowl

Which is closest NY Jets have gotten to Super Bowl ‪in years.

Rand Paul: Vaccinations can lead to mental disorders

Or, as Rand Paul calls them ‘his base.’

TV industry is asking: Can Brian Williams survive this?

Hey, people, time to cut Brian Williams some slack. The man did kill Osama Bin Laden.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)