Ripping the Headlines Today, 2/17/15

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ opens to weak reviews

People who’ve seen ‪it say the film is so bad audiences should have a safe word to make the film stop.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: ‘I wasn’t 100 percent sober’ at State of the Union

Which means she’s now qualified to be Speaker of the House…

Kim Kardashian’s daughter causes a scene at dad, Kanye West’s, fashion week show

She probably screamed at him that Beyonce could do a better job.

NBC suspends Brian Williams for 6 months, no pay

Looks like NBC threw Brian Williams overboard, this can’t end well for a guy whose job is Anchor.

Oregon’s Kate Brown will be the country’s first openly bi-sexual Governor

Also making her first Governor to literally rather than just figuratively want to screw men and women.

Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue model defends sexy cover

Ok, I’m not saying it’s hot, but Bill Cosby did pour a drink on it.

Obama asked Congress to authorize 3-year military action against ISIS

That’s to hold on until Suge Knight gets his driver’s license back.

SNL 40th anniversary special is most-watched in 10 years

Really? The show was never the same after Brian Williams left to make movies.

Rand Paul, Mike Huckabee to appear in anti-gay documentary

If it’s as a couple it’ll bring new meaning to the term ‘scared straight.’

Scott Walker refuses to answer question on evolution

Ironically, making a monkey of himself.

Rabbi accused of secretly videotaping more than 150 women

Although, it was taped from right to left so the women are all putting their clothes on.

New Jeb Bush hire called women ‘sluts’ on Twitter

In fairness, sluts vote, too.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)