Ripping the Headlines Today, 2/23/15

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Oscar Meyer Wienermobile damaged in crash

To fix it, they didn’t know whether to call AAA or a Mohel.

Niagara Falls is almost entirely frozen over

Slowly, he turned….

Bill O’Reilly’s 1982 Falklands War stories called into question

If Bill O’Reilly is even his real name…

Rudy Giuliani says Obama doesn’t like America

Ironically, after multiple failed presidential runs America apparently doesn’t like Rudy.

Happy 50th Birthday, Dr Dre

Congratulations! You’re now officially a member of the NWAARP.

Vanilla Ice arrested for home burglary in Florida

In fairness, maybe he was just trying to prove he could still get himself arrested.

Krispie Kreme apologizes for ‘KKK Wednesday’ promotion

Too bad, I was looking forward to new menu item… Burning Crossants

Leeza Gibbons beat Geraldo Rivera on ‘Celebrity Apprentice’

I would have tuned in if that were a literal description of the show.

Records fall, ferries freeze as eastern US faces arctic cold

Yup, looks like temperatures are dropping faster than Bruce Jenner’s testosterone level.

Syria ‘informed’ about US-led strikes on IS: Assad

I think the exact words were, ‘Duck, mother fucker.’

Speaker Boehner prepared to shut down Homeland Security Department

Not if it had a happy hour, he wouldn’t.

Patty Hearst dog wins prize at Westminster Dog Show ‪

Wow, she’s gone from an AK to an AKC.

Author
Recent Posts

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)