Medical hunt for idiot’s brain turns up surprising results: ‘I’m a Cupid Stunt,’ Barbieri says.
BOISE, Idaho â Republican state Rep. Vito Barbieri underwent a micro-camera insert examination today to experience just how the latest medical technology works. Mr Barbieri made headlines recently after asking a gynecologist whether a small swallowed camera could send out interior pictures of a womanâs womb and vagina.
After it was explained to him that the female reproductive and digestive systems are not directly connected, Barbieri exclaimed mysteriously: âWell, arenât I a Cupid Stunt!â
At a press conference later, he explained his use of the phrase. He considered himself a âvictim of the little love god,â he said, because he adored his wife Darlene very much, and had frankly always marveled at the way his children so closely resembled their former neighbor Fred in Arkansas.
âThey were such close friends, I thought it was just from all the candy he brought her,â Barbieri explained, once again proudly displaying the almost incomprehensible depths of his stupidity and ignorance. âYou know, that his cooties were on the chocolates, and she ate them and they all sort of mingled around inside there.â
âI had some too,â he added, âbut for some reason never got pregnant. It did make me wonder, though.â
Rep. Barbieri then introduced Hungarian physician Dr Colin Oskopi, who had conducted the hour-long, micro-camera examination. A package of remarkably clear images with explanatory notes was made available to the press (see graphic).
Dr Oskopi began by briefly describing the procedure, which required what he called âa simple if momentarily uncomfortable anal insertion.â He added that in Rep. Barbieriâs case this had not been difficult because he is such a âmagnus rectum pilosis,â a medical term he declined to translate.
âOur first surprise,â Dr Oskopi went on, âalthough by no means our last, is that the subjectâ — he gestured towards the still stupidly beaming representative — âhas no heart. None whatsoever. Instead thereâs just a pile of tattered right-wing clichĂ©s and a fading photograph of Ronald Reagan.â
âMmm, Ronald Reagan,â murmured the representative reflexively, like Homer Simpson thinking of beer.
Asked how Mr Barbieri continues to live, Dr Oskopi replied: âKoch money, just like all of them. They have invisible but very real XL-style pipelines to numerous legal and semi-legal sources like Americans for Prosperity, and since money is their lifeblood, manage to walk and talk without a single human impulse in their calcified veins.â
Dr Oskopi said that the examinationâs biggest surprise was the nature of the Mr Barbieriâs brain. âItâs almost entirely Reptilian,â he noted, âand frankly so tiny we had difficulty locating it.”
He pulled out another image. âIn his case,” he said, pointing, “most of whatâs considered human is completely atrophied. Mr Barbieri was born with a brain, but the thing quickly withered from lack of use and a stunted education. He is now capable of nothing but the most primitive impulses, known technically as the three Fâs â fear, flight, and sex.
âSo you canât really blame the idiot for not thinking,â the doctor wound up, âbecause he doesnât have the ability. Heâs just a bubbling, fetid swamp of ignorance, stupidity, half-remembered school-room phrases and a consuming drive for money. Get Money is the only lesson he, and all those like him, ever really learned. God bless America.â
Rep. Barbieri closed out the conference by thanking Dr Oskopi and noting that despite his now-documented ignorance and inability to reason, he had voted in favor of further restrictions on womenâs right to an abortion. Luckily for them, he also sits on the board of a crisis pregnancy center in northern Idaho.
âWe just gotta take the Ho out of Idaho,â he explained, adding: âWhether they can get babies through their stomachs or not, I still think that when it comes to men, girls should be careful about what they put in their mouths.â
Who could argue with that? Democracy and the Holy Spirit work in mysterious ways.