Ripping the Headlines Today, 3/9/15

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to!

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

‘Women On 20s’ wants a woman to replace Andrew Jackson on 20 dollar bill

Yeah, but, with a woman on the 20, it would be worth only 77% or $15.40.

Ringling Brothers to get rid of Elephant acts

Which means the guy cleaning up behind them can no longer say, ‘what and leave show business?’

Harrison Ford crash lands vintage plane on golf course, survives

Vintage? I assume that means his flight came with a meal and no added charge for extra carry-on luggage.

Researchers study 15,000+ penises to determine average lengths around the world

Although, keep in mind, some of the evidence was circumcisional.

Two arrested in White House security incidents: Secret Service

Seems they got closer to the Oval Office than Mitt Romney ever will.

India: 400 men cut off their testicles to ‘get closer to God’ following advice from ‘guru’

Now, that takes a lot of balls.

150-pound mountain lion caught roaming at Temecula Mall

Although, it remains the natural habitat of the suburban cougar.

Alan Greenspan’s celebrates his 89th birthday

Ironically, interest was low.

Putin says Russian military might has no match

Guessing he has yet to try Tinder.

Donald Trump says he’s serious about running for Prez

Polls show he’ll get 100% of the vote from comedy writers.

Theater evacuated after drunk woman vomits at ‘Fifty Shades’ showing

Man, everyone’s a critic.

Presidential contender Ben Carson says prison inmates prove homosexuality is a choice

Look for the show, ‘Attica is the new Fire Island.’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)