Ripping the Headlines Today, 3/16/15

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Hillary: ‘I’m not sharing personal emails I sent to my husband’

Bill: ‘I didn’t have text with that woman…’

Backlash for 47 Republican Senators who wrote letter to Iran

But, they say they’re weren’t undermining the President because they asked Lindsey Graham to email it.

Zoolander 2 announced

47 Republicans Senators, you want to stop something no one’s in favor of, here’s your chance.

John Stamos visits ‘Full House’ home, fans don’t notice him

Proving it’s true, ‘you can never return to your fake home again.’

World’s first penis replacement performed

Women who’ve remarried disagree, having already replaced one dick with another.

Spacewalking astronauts finish extensive and tricky cable job

Some folks will do anything to get HBO.

A dozen states want to get rid of daylight saving time

The hope is to keep their citizens in the dark 24/7.

Rudy Giuliani: ‘Obama should be more like Bill Cosby’

Rudy, before you speak, two words: Google search.

The Kardashians getting 100 million dollars from E!

With that kind of money, they can buy Bruce Jenner the new gold iVagina from Apple.

Harrison Ford to make full recovery from plane crash

Thank goodness, his wife Calista Flockhart’s been so upset she hasn’t eaten since 2004.

Too much praise can turn kids into narcissists: Study finds

Enough about the kids, how exactly does this affect me?

Pharrell Williams, Robin Thicke ordered to pay 7.3 mil to Marvin Gaye family

When asked if they’d appeal, Thicke and Williams said, “Let’s get it on.”

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)