Ripping the Headlines Today, 3/23/15

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Mitt Romney is going to fight Evander Holyfield

Apparently, Mitt likes getting beaten by black guys.

Elton John to boycott Dolce and Gabanna

Remind me again, which one of those guys got eaten by the tiger in Vegas?

Letter sent to White House tested positive for cyanide

Secret Service immediately removed Sarah Palin as a suspect because the sender got the address right.

Hillary Clinton turns over 55,000+ emails

She’s in big trouble if any show she took money that a Nigerian uncle left her.

Meth Lab found in a WalMart

Making it the only thing in the store made in America.

Photo of a large alligator on a Florida golf course

Or, a retired accountant from New Jersey who’s gotten way too much sun.

Kraft recalls ‘Mac & Cheese’ when metal shards are found in packages

People with an iron deficiency can disregard this message.

Take action to legalize Marijuana

Damn straight… what was it we wanted to legalize, again?

Netanyahu victory gets muted response from West

Kanye did say Israel would be better off with Beyonce.

Happy 82nd B-Day, Ruth Bader Ginsburg

HAPPY 82ND B-DAY, RUTH BADER GINSBURG.

Lance Armstrong in talks to get lifetime cycling ban lifted

Man, you gotta be impressed with the ball on that guy.

France displaces Britain as key US military ally

So, now it’s back to French fries, but English muffins are now ‘freedom muffins.’

Dick Cheney does interview with ‘Playboy’

Makes sense, ‘Playboy’ makes its money showcasing giant boobs.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)