Ripping the Headlines Today, 3/30/15

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Yemen’s president calls Shiite rebels ‘puppets of Iran’

Especially the one known as El-Mo.

Indonesian police burn 3.3 tons of weed, get entire town high

Who knew that in Indonesia they celebrated Willie Nelson’s b-day?

U.S. drug agents had sex parties funded by drug cartels: watchdog

No wonder it’s so hard to get a job at the DEA.

Happy 73rd B-day, Aretha Franklin

From all the dyslexics R-S-P-E-T-C-E.

Ted Cruz signs up for ObamaCare

Fortunately, his delusions of grandeur are covered as a preexisting condition.

Paula Deen making return to TV

Really? Who’s her sponsor? KKK Mart?

ObamaCare turns five

Making it more mature than most of its opponents.

One Direction’s Liam Payne disses Justin Bieber on Twitter

You just gotta love a good chick fight.

Indiana passes law allowing discrimination against gay people

Look for them to also ban ‘Flintstones’ reruns because they had a ‘gay ol’ time.’

Gay football player Michael Sams runs sub 5 second 40

Which is good news if he ever needs to get the hell out of Indiana.

White House says President Obama and Hillary Clinton met for about an hour this afternoon

Guessing email would have been a bad idea.

Jerry Brown says Ted Cruz is unfit to be President

While Chris Christie is just unfit.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)