Ripping the Headlines Today, 4/20/15

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Madonna kisses Drake at Coachella

In fact, she kissed him so hard, that he now has that fake British accent.

Dr. Oz defends medical advice after calls for dismissal from Columbia University

Adding: ‘To calm down, they should try a few leeches that always works.’

‘Rolling Stone’ calls this the ‘Year of the Booty’

Oddly, this wasn’t a reference to all the asses deciding to run for Prez.

Researchers at Duke figure out a way to stop mice from getting dementia

Well, at least until they finish paying off their student loans.

America upgrades its biggest bomb

So, expect in theaters this fall a 3D, IMAX version of Ishtar.

Aaron Hernandez found guilty of first-degree murder

While the NFL suspended him for two games.

Hillary Clinton didn’t tip waitress at Chipotle

Meanwhile, Bill Clinton’s been ‘stiffing’ waitresses for years.

Fox Host: ‘Hillary Clinton ate at Chipotle for ‘Hispanic outreach.’’

Well, it was that, or go to lunch with Jeb Bush.

Al Qaeda in Yemen says senior leader killed in U.S. air strike

For ordering this kinda shooting, Obama should, at least, get a stuffed animal.

Ben Affleck’s embarrassed ancestors owned slaves

If they could watch that music vid he made with JLo, they’d all be even…

Toddler gets through White House fence and onto grounds

At first, they thought it was Marco Rubio.

Obama to lift Cuba terror sanctions

This is despite the fact that they’re, at least, partially responsible for sending us Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)