Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/8/15

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Two Russian nuclear-capable bombers entered US air space near Alaska

Fortunately, Sarah Palin waving her shotgun scared them off.

Texas Congressman blames Baltimore unrest on same sex marriage

C’mon, gay people wouldn’t be looting. They’d break in and redecorate.

Mayweather beats Pacquiao

Yeah, but, if Mayweather and Pacquiao held and danced anymore, they wouldn’t be able to order pizza in Indiana.

It’s NFL Draft day

Just to be safe Bill O’Reilly asked for a deferment, Bill Clinton went to London, Mitt Romney to Paris.

Weight Watchers founder Jean Nidetch dies at 91

That would be years, not pounds, for those wondering.

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen say they knew nothing about ‘Full House’ reboot

In fairness, there’s a lot of stuff they know nothing about.

Tesla’s next big idea: Storing power

Or, as the Clinton and Bushes call it ‘giving birth.’

Ted Cruz: ‘I don’t think I’ve ever seen an Hispanic panhandler’

You might want to try using a mirror at one of your fundraisers.

Bernie Sanders won’t be taking any corporate donations

Adding, he won’t have sex with Penelope Cruz, which is just as likely to be offered.

David Rockefeller has had 6 heart transplants

I believe that means the next one’s free.

Donald Trump blames Obama for Baltimore unrest

C’mon, Donald, all potential Republican candidates for Prez know everything is now Hillary’s fault.

William and Kate back home with Britain’s new princess

If there’s doubt to the father of Princess Kate’s baby that would be known as ‘heirsay.’

Child reportedly found loaded gun left in Boehner’s Capitol Hill bathroom: The Hill

Incredible, usually the only thing loaded in Boehner’s office is Boehner.

FDA recalls from market multiple brands of hummus

I guess it’s true, ‘To err is hummus…’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)