Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/13/15

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Pope Francis becomes an honorary Harlem Globetrotter

Reminding him of his days on a team that made the Sweet Sistine.

Obama fist bumps a 4 year old

Look for FOX news to accuse him of child abuse.

Bill Clinton visits Kenya

Looks like Hillary’s serious about carrying Obama’s home state…

American Idol to return for one last season

Surprising many who didn’t know it was still on the air.

Tom Brady suspended 4 games

The NFL added they could reduce it by 2 games if Brady hits his wife.

Demi Moore the victim of a burglary, losing an estimated $200,000 in personal property

Dang, that after the 8 years of her life Kutcher stole…

James Franco: ‘McDonald’s was there for me when no one else was’

So, now we know where he went after he hosted the Oscars.

Carly Fiorina is running 4 President

Looks like she needs a government job now that no one will hire her in the private sector.

Schumer, Reid aiming to make Obama a lame duck

And, I didn’t even know Amy Schumer and Tara Reid were friends.

US employers add 223K jobs; rate 5.4 pct., 7-year low

Although, most of those jobs went to Republicans running for President.

Hawaii will soon get all of its electricity from renewable sources

I, for one, am surprised a part of Kenya is so advanced tech wise.

Chris Christie spent at least $360,000 of taxpayer money on food, alcohol, dessert

But, I’m betting not in that order.

Journalist Seymour Hersh says the President lied about the killing of Bin Laden

Yup, turns out Bin Laden was really taken down by Brian Williams…

Governor of Oklahoma wants to use nitrogen gas in executions

That’s because helium would be cruel and unusual. You not only get executed, but have your last words said in those helium induced cartoon voices…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)