Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/17/15

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Alan Thicke says he makes love to his son Robin’s music

What’s really mortifying is that it’s during live performances.

David Letterman leaving the air = End of an era

Chevy Chase show cancelled = End of an error.

Drug costs top 50K for 1.2 million Americans

Or, as Charlie Sheen calls that – ‘Tuesday.’

White House on lockdown after drone incident

Ok, what did Joe Biden do now?

Cate Blanchett says she’s had ‘many’ relationships with women

Unlike most of the men who attend ComicCon.

Jeb Bush says his top foreign policy adviser is brother George W. Bush

Bet he also let’s Casey Anthony babysit his kids.

Health Canada issues warning over eating raw, undercooked fiddleheads

Rule: if you have to Google what something is, don’t fucking eat it.

Rand Paul is pumped about a poll that has him tied with Donald Trump

The poll was probably commissioned by the Hair Club For Men.

Happy 54th Birthday, Dennis Rodman

Or, as North Koreans think of him — ‘President Obama’

McDonald’s brings back the Hamburgler

Although, Seymour Hersh reports Obama knew where he was whole time.

Melissa Rivers says Joan Rivers had 348 plastic surgeries

She paid for them with her ‘American One Expression Card.’

Tiger Woods CHEATED on skier girlfriend Lindsey Vonn cited as the real reason they split

Good, by breaking up now an Escalade’s life was spared.

Brian Williams wants his job back—Now

Hey, it’s the least we can do for the guy who took out Osama Bin Laden.

Mike Huckabee: ‘God told me to run for President’

God also asked him if he had Prince Albert in a can.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)