Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/26/15

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Letterman show set bridge thrown in dumpster

If only Chris Christie had been there to block it.

George Stephanopoulos apologizes on ‘GMA’ for not disclosing Clinton Foundation donations

Stephanopoulus should have given money to the George Clinton Foundation, because no one’s against more Funkadelic.

DisneyLand turns 60

Making it the AARPiest place on Earth.

Anti-Gay Pastor exposed as ‘Top Who Likes To Cuddle’ with men on Grindr

How embarrassing. He likes to cuddle.

Scientists at Large Hadron Collider hope to make contact with PARALLEL UNIVERSE

And, reconnect people with all those missing socks.

Bill O’Reilly assaulted wife in front of child: Report

It must be from the PTSD he got while serving in the War on Christmas.

Clintons’ speeches raised at least $12 million for family foundation

Hey, it’s America, home of the brave and land of the fee.

Don’t drunkenly chase bears with hatchets: Park Rangers

The real question is who gave the bears the fuckin’ hatchets…

Lindsey Graham announces run for President

It was so far back in the paper that the announcement was made by Marmaduke.

FOX News host and guest yell over each other for what feels like an eternity

In fairness, everything on FOX News feels like an eternity.

TLC Pulls ’19 Kids and Counting’ in wake of Josh Duggar molestation admission

TLC’s corporate logo should be an electronic monitoring ankle bracelet.

Takata recalls faulty airbags

Now, if only they could recall those faulty windbags in Congress.

Little girl throws mega tantrum at the White House in front of an unfazed President Obama

Prez: ‘You’re no Michelle Bachmann.’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)