Ripping the Headlines Today, 6/2/15

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Gokul Venkatachalam, Vanya Shivashankar win ‘National Spelling Bee’

After spelling their own names, everything else was easy.

‘Jaws’ turns 40

Can’t wait for it’s 70^th, when it’ll be known as ‘Dentures.’

Sepp Blatter wins re-election as FIFA Prez

I can’t be only one who thinks ‘Sepp Blatter’ sounds like another way to say Urinary Infection.

Cuba removed from US terror list

Word is, they’ll be replaced by TLC.

Ex-House Speaker J. Dennis Hastert indicted on federal charges

Soon he could be ‘Speaker of the Big House.’

Anthrax shipped via Fed Ex

I guess it’s cheaper than the band taking a commercial flight.

‘Saved By the Bell’ actor Dustin Diamond convicted in stabbing

If you’ve seen his standup, this is closest he’ll come to killing.

Martin Sheen: ‘Charlie was on steroids’

Martin, wouldn’t it be way quicker to just say what he wasn’t on?

Smartphones may double as early quake sensors

Can’t wait to hear Siri scream, ‘Holy Shit! We’re all gonna die!!’

George Pataki announces he’s running for President

Surprising members of his family… that’s he’s still alive.

Happy 85th birthday, Clint Eastwood

Clint was seen celebrating with a love seat and a dining room set.

Flavor Flav arrested in the mother of all traffic stops

He was cited with a DWI – Driving While Irrelevant.

Ben Stein involved in a sexting scandal

Lawyers will now be playing ‘Win Ben Stein’s Money.’

Former Maryland Gov. O’Malley jumps into 2016 Democratic race

Because it’s a way cheaper way to meet the Clintons than hire them to speak.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)