Ripping the Headlines Today, 6/7/15

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Charles Krauthammer and Donald Trump call each other ‘dumb’ and ‘irrelevant’

C’mon, stop fighting, guys, you’re both right.

Google teams with Levi’s on smart clothes

Bringing new meaning to the term “smarty pants.”

McDonald’s is making 2 big changes to its burgers

My advice would be ‘taste’ and ‘flavor.’

Drunk naked man pops Xanax on airplane, pisses on Dolph Lundgren

Amazing, someone actually recognized Dolph Lundgren.

Man arrested for throwing coffee on Westboro protesters at Biden funeral

He was charged with wasting a perfectly good cup of coffee.

Cockroaches have distinct personalities

And, corner offices at most law firms.

Iran’s Rouhani heckled as he makes unity speech

Rouhani: I don’t come to where you work and complain about how cold the falafels are.

Creflo Dollar’s church says he’ll get 65 million dollar plane

They do hope to get the money back by charging him for extra overhead items.

Happy 59th birthday, Kenny G

As long as there’s an elevator playing music, you will never be forgotten.

Former Rhode Island Gov Lincoln Chafee joins race for Democratic Presidential nomination

I can’t be the only one who thinks Lincoln Chafee sounds like the result of an STD that Abe gave to Mary Todd Lincoln.

Twinkie-eating champion scarfs down 120 Twinkies in 6 minutes

Look for him to also set record for most shots of insulin.

Anheuser-Busch halts beer production to provide water for storm victims

Ironically, people can’t tell the difference between it and their beer.

NYPD is now arresting people for ‘manspreading’ their legs too wide on subways

Bringing new meaning to the term ‘open and shut case.’

China’s data hacked from U.S. government dates back to 1985: U.S. official

That explains why they weren’t surprised when Leno took over for Carson.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)