Ripping the Headlines Today, 6/24/15

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Chris Christie: Women’s Viagra pill will only increase lesbianism

And, record sales for Melissa Etheridge.

Melissa Gilbert: Actress owes more than $360,000 in Federal Income Taxes, IRS says

Look for her in ‘Little Foreclosed House on the Prairie.’

Thousands of crabs invade a California beach

Hey, it won’t be the first or last time people get crabs at the beach

Brian Williams is back

If that’s even his real name.

Paul Ryan can’t even convince Fox News that Republicans have a viable ObamaCare alternative

His alternative to ObamaCare is WeDontCare.

KFC: US customer says fast food chain served him deep-fried rat

Shocking, he actually got real meat.

NRA board member blames Charleston shooting on Pastor’s vote against guns in churches

Yup, let’s convert those ploughshares to swords.

Former NAACP Spokane chapter Prez Rachel Dolezal in New York City

Turns out she might actually be black after all, because no cab driver would pick her up.

Woman crashed car while shaving privates

Isn’t that something that should only be done on a military base… oh wait.

Happy 46th birthday, Ice Cube

You’re nearing the age where your name should be Ice Pack.

Blood donors in Sweden receive a text message when their blood is used

For some the news is positive, for others it’s negative.

PornHub crowdfunds $3.4m to make first porn film in space

No word whether it will be called Lust in Space or Star Whores.

Donald Trump running for President

Thank you, Donald Trump, for doing your part to try and get Jon Stewart and Letterman to unretire.

Rick Perry calls Charleston church shooting an ‘accident’

Making people not voting for him an ‘on purpose.’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)