Ripping the Headlines Today, 7/1/15

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

FOX News drops Sarah Palin

Putin: ‘I could see this coming from my house.’

Scientists find the root cause of Asthma

Wondering if afterwards, they took a deep breath.

Bristol Palin was spokesperson for abstinence only birth control

Look for Dick Cheney as spokesperson for hunting safety.

Antonin Scalia dissent in marriage equality case is even more unhinged than you’d think

It seems he also wanted to ban rainbow trout.

Why Fahrenheit is better than Celsius?

I don’t know. For me, they both run hot and cold.

Kim and Kanye having a boy

I’m not saying the Kardashians are media whores, but I hear Kim had her ultrasound photos done by a paparazzi.

Macy’s becomes latest to cut ties with Donald Trump over comments regarding Latinos

After Trump’s done insulting them, the only Latinos left in the Republican party will be Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz and Jeb Bush.

From terrorists to politicians, the Council of Conservative Citizens has a wide reach

To be clearer, Council of Conservative Citizens should change the spelling to Kouncil of Konservative Kitizens.

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal joins the Presidential race

Even though his poll numbers are low, being a Louisianan, he makes up for it with really high cholesterol numbers.

Obama shuts down White House heckler: ‘You’re in my house!’

Damn, first, the Prez drops the ‘N’ word and then rips a heckler. He’s not only doing his job, but also Chris Rock’s.

Sixth Mass Extinction on earth has begun and could endanger the human race

The first sign being TLC’s fall lineup.

Eddie Van Halen trashes David Lee Roth: ‘Act like you’re 60’

Which explains the band’s name change to MiniVan Halen.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)