Ripping the Headlines Today, 7/13/15

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today, and my first thoughts:

McDonald’s says ‘Minions’ toy is not cursing

The same cannot be said for customers trying to order at their drive-thrus.

Michigan denies request for Kid Rock concert at women’s prison

No word if it was on the grounds of cruel and unusual punishment.

Bill Cosby admits to getting Quaaludes in 2005

No word, if he also admitted to having 8 track tapes, a pet rock, a mo-ped and the high score for ‘Pong.’

Serena wins 6th Wimbledon, 21st Grand Slam title

Serena Williams now has more Grand Slams than the breakfast shift at Denny’s.

Speed dating booth set up at Comic Con

That way people who never get laid can find out who they won’t be having sex with even quicker.

In Spain it’s time for the running of the bulls

While in Washington DC, it’s always time for the running of the bullshitters.

Microsoft plans major layoffs

Maybe, if they just turn the power in their HQ off and then on, afterwards, everybody will still be working.

Ted Cruz: ‘I Salute Donald Trump’

Makes sense, like most of what Trump sells, Ted, you, too, were made in a foreign country.

Subway and Jared Fogle have agreed to suspend their relationship

Wondering if when the FBI raided Jared’s home, instead of a warrant, they used a coupon.

Disney to remove Bill Cosby statue from theme park

Ironically, it’s because he was slipping women a Mickey.

John Stamos enters rehab

Because, nothing says you’ve hit ‘rock bottom’ like agreeing to do a ‘Full House’ reunion show.

Tension increases between Russia and its neighbors

Hey, Russia, leave the Palins alone.

Happy 75th birthday, Ringo Starr

Well, from everyone, except Pete Best.

Cassidy Gifford doesn’t love wine as much as mom Kathy Lee

Let’s face it, Ernest and Julio Gallo don’t love wine as much as Kathy Lee.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)