âHispanics love me, gays love me, the blacks and other losers all love me,â claims Donald Trump, the flaxen-haired Republican front-runner.
New York â America was overwhelmed today by a vast outpouring of love and affection for GOP presidential candidate and world-class Hindenburg impersonator, Donald Trump, according to a new poll conducted by the Trump organization.

âWhat did I tell you? Iâm just totally adored,â Trump trumpeted at a press conference, predicting that he would win the 2016 presidential election âwith the greatest majority in the entire history of world democratic elections.â
He said that winning âupwards of 110% of the voteâ was well within reach and would assure the GOP âof a hundred-year majority in the White House.â
El Supremo, as he likes to be called by his staff and family, noted that while his own organization had sponsored the survey, the results were âby far the most accurate and trustworthy in the entire history of world political polling,â comparable to Deweyâs famous victory over Truman in 1948.
âAnd weâve all seen that picture!â he added triumphantly.
âMy new poll numbers,â Mr Trump continued, âprove that not only will I get the Hispanic vote, but also the homo vote, the nig â the black vote, and even my ex-wivesâ vote and all their dykey friends.
âThey all love John McCain and you know how he feels about me. Oh, he pretends heâs angry, but really heâs just a repressed homosexual so his love comes out as hostility. John McCain is deeply in love with me — what a loser.â
Mr Trump went on: âCatholics love me more than they love whatâs-his-name — Benedict, Francis, whatever — and of course the Jews are in my pocket so to speak because they have a well-known, historic appreciation for gelt. Did I tell you Iâm really rich?â
Mr Trump said that he was particularly pleased with the support he was getting from âthose guys with all the capital letters, you know, the Caitlyn Jenner crowd.â
He added that âquite a few of those guys or gals, or whatever they are, personally told my agents I could come over and kiss their asses. Thatâs what they do, you know, so itâs really the biggest compliment in the entire history of our planet. It was actually my idea, of course, like leaving Macy’s.â
The next president of the United States said that all votes were critical, so survey respondents âwere generously compensated for their time, which I can well afford. Did I mention that Iâm really rich?â
In response to a reporterâs question, Mr Trump noted that paying poll respondents âwasnât really a bribe,â any more than the $200 million given to the House and Senators to pass the TPP was a bribe.
âIf that were true,â Mr Trump laughed, âour great Constitution would be just a hollow sham, instead of the Greatest Con, as I prefer to call it, in the entire history of the universe.
âNow that, my friend, is American exceptionalism.â