Ripping the Headlines Today, 7/21/15

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Marco Rubio reports raising $12 million

And, that’s just from recycled plastic water bottles.

Obama first sitting president to visit a federal prison

Or, as FOX News reported, ‘Prison lets illegal immigrant go free after only a few hours in jail.’

Kendall Jenner goes braless, wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen

C’mon, the Kardashians are a ‘wardrobe malefaction’ WANTING to happen.

George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin trying for a baby

Guys, just take one of Brad and Angelina’s. They’ll never notice.

If parallel universes exist, here’s how we could actually find the evidence

More importantly, are my airline miles still good.

Parents swear, McDonald’s Minion toy sounds like it’s cursing

Yet, it’s still not 1/2 as salty as the fries.

Dick Cheney says the Iran deal will lead to nuclear war

So, sounds like he’s in favor of it.

TLC cancels ‘19 Kids and Counting’

No word if they’ll replace it with ‘19 Indictments and Counting.’

Ted Nugent, Kid Rock pro-Confederate flag

Because, apparently, they’re both from southern Michigan.

Mexican drug lord, El Chapo, escaped prison through a tunnel with lighting, ventilation and a railway

He would have escaped sooner but took in a movie.

Trump reportedly used cheaper undocumented workers on his buildings

So, if he meets that Mexican Drug Lord, it’ll be El Chapo vs El Cheapo.

‘Huffington Post’ will only cover Trump campaign as entertainment, not politics

Clearly, the beauty and hair care section would also be a no go.

Rapper 50 Cent declared bankruptcy

Look for him to change his name to ‘Will Work for 50 Cents.’

Jeff Bridges’ $30 million home for sale

Now we’re talking ‘Dude’ ranch.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)