Ripping the Headlines Today, 8/5/15

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Kermit the Frog & Miss Piggy split: The Muppets’ couple have broken up

Rumor has it, it’s because Kermit converted to Judaism and will no longer eat pork.

Donald Trump is dominating another new poll

Don’t worry, people, if Trump is elected President, there’s a good chance he’ll leave it for a younger country.

Bugs Bunny about to turn 75

Now when he asks ‘What’s up Doc?’ The Doc answers, ‘If it’s for more than 4 hours, call me.’

Chris Christie to Colorado: Pot party ends when I’m president

Yeah, like he’ll be able to do anything at that altitude.

NFL: Tom Brady destroyed his cell phone

Now we’ll never know how often he talked with Hilary Clinton.

Hulk Hogan fired from WWE, apologizes for racist comments

Although, look for him in a new reality show, ‘The Amazing Racist.’

Grand Jury indicts Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton on felony charges

Guaranteeing he will run for Governor and then President.

Scott Walker and Wisconsin GOP being sued for rigging elections

Take that Dems who say he’s done nothing.

Pot Breathalyzer to make marijuana legalization safer

Apparently, it detects excess amounts of Nachos, donuts and pizza.

New Horizons’ photos from the Pluto flyby are finally here — and they’re amazing

Except for that one photo bomb by Goofy.

Snoop Dogg says he’ll never return to Sweden

Can’t wait for the movie version ‘Straight Out Of Stockholm.’

AP Investigation: Rio’s Olympic swimming water rife with sewage virus

So, it’ll be the same as competing in the kids’ section of a YMCA swimming pool.

Kourtney Kardashian waters plants in sexy, tasseled mini-dress, is doing just fine after Scott Disick split

Anyone still against drone strikes on Americans?

Guy’s attempt to take rattlesnake selfie ends with $153,000 bill

That’ll teach him to try and take a pic of himself with a lawyer.

The Roman punishment for adultery was often amputation of the nose

So, those sculptures in Museums aren’t actually broken, they’re accurate.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)