Ripping the Headlines Today, 8/10/15

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Here’s what really scares Republicans about Donald Trump

Four words: Vice President Gary Busey.

Jackson family patriarch Joe Jackson almost killed himself popping Viagra?

Hey, Joe, I don’t think Michael meant for you to overdo it when he wrote, “Beat it.”

Will and Jada Smith aren’t getting divorced

Seems they couldn’t figure out who wouldn’t get the kids.

Anaheim wants tourists to know there’s more to it than just Disneyland

There’s also Disney’s California Adventure.

Woman tries to pleasure herself, ends up in the emergency room

Not to mention freaking everyone out in aisle 5 at Ralph’s.

New York City’s new drug threat: ‘Weaponized marijuana’

Bringing new meaning to the term ‘blunt instrument.’

Happy 38th birthday, Tom Brady

You might want to not blow out candles, and save that air for footballs.

It’s International Female Orgasm Day

Although, it is difficult to tell which women are celebrating and which ones are just faking it.

Hugh Hefner’s son Cooper engaged to ‘Harry Potter‘ actress Scarlett Byrne

The best news, she’s old enough to babysit any potential future Mothers-in-Law.

Donald Trump’s campaign has reportedly erupted into ‘civil war’

And, that’s just between the voices in his head.

Conservative news site freaks out over ‘demon’ appearance in video of Obama’s Kenya visit

Nice job of photo bombing, Dick Cheney.

On this date in 1492 Christopher Columbus set sail

It was a voyage filled with disease and illness making it also the first known Carnival Cruise.

How Sharpton gets paid to not cry ‘racism’ at corporations

Uh, I’m guessing in unmarked bills.

Everyone was shocked when George W. Bush showed up for jury duty

Mostly, that he wasn’t the one on trial.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)