[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

The Millennials: Generation Degenerate

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Meet Generation Y, aka the Millennials

They answer every question with a shrug. They use sepia-toned Instagram filters to boost their confidence, and the only way to kill a vampire from this demographic is with a hand-carved mahogany stake.

Generation Y, MillennialsYes, people, meet Generation Y, more commonly known as the Millennial Generation. Born somewhere between 1982 and 1994, selfie stick in one hand, caramel macchiato in the other, this generation is something special. Why? Because Mom and Dad, along with their very own shrink, told them so.

According to recent highly scientific studies, members of this generation are opting to settle down in strange ways, raising families in a manner that shuns traditional family values of previous generations. This generation is far more diverse, with superior education and a cultural sensitivity that those Generation X losers clearly lacked.

Millennial folk, thanks to those never ending school visits from nagging parents, received a fair share of unwarranted A grades from teachers and lecturers. Let’s be honest, an average millennial tends to demonstrate the grammatical prowess of a brain-dead blobfish.

These factors are going to have a detrimental impact on Western society in two ways, here is how:

1) Monogamy meet polyamory: For all you Generation X losers, by the way, that’s the practice of engaging in multiple sexual relationships with the consent of all the people involved. Yes, people, it’ll be common to have more than one life partner, and it will also be common to have more than two parents.

Along with the wider acceptance of same-sex couples and same sex marriages, the American family dynamic is starting to change in several crucial ways. In addition to the Mexican maid who is responsible for every domestic task possible while mom and dad adopt a sort of vicarious parenting role, IVF, surrogacy and adoption are changing perspectives amongst parents.

Doctor Will Tickle had this to say: “As we speak, undoubtedly, the term ‘family’ is being revolutionized, and it will soon become normal for a child to be raised by two moms and spend weekends with a father who donated sperm and his husband, the always flamboyant Chuck. Parent teacher meetings are going to be an interesting spectacle, definitely more colorful.”

2) Pew estimates that more children will have working moms and stay-at-home dads: “It’s no coincidence that the amount of microwave dinners being consumed by children has risen dramatically, just as the number of women in the workforce has also risen,” said Dr. Tickle.

“A typical stay at home dad is lazy. Sure, he will vacuum the house once a week, maybe even walk the dog as far as the nearest pizzeria, but he will look for the easiest way to feed his kids without being burdened with two soul destroying chores — meal preparation and washing up, and this is where microwave dinners enter the equation,” Dr. Tickle said, adding, “believe it or not, in a decade or so, without a doubt, British and American children will get considerably fatter. We’re talking Jonah Hill at his biggest, that’s going to be your average sized 10 year old.”

Commenting on the demographic, Bill O’Reilly, the soft spoken, conservative commentator, had this to say: “With their goddamn iPhones, their goddamn apps, their goddamn selfies, and their goddamn Twitter, these narcissists make me sick. Yes, the millennial-hate is justified. I am not a Gen-Xer nor a millennial, I am an American, a true patriot.”

Although the grumbling antichrist’s opinion equates to little more than an extended “get off my lawn” rant, O’Reilly does have a point, especially when we focus on the U.SA. According to the Pew Research Center, millennials are the least patriotic generation in history. With less than a quarter of millennials recognizing the United States as the greatest country in the world, perhaps a more worrying aspect is the fact that only 35 percent of millennials can spell the word “patriotic,” compared to 51 percent of Americans in other generations.

Not only are millennials far from patriotic, they are the generation least-informed about the matters that actually matter. Unsurprisingly, performing the poorest in a recent Pew Research Center study of the public’s knowledge of current events, 98 percent of millennials did not know which country the United States had just normalized relations with (the answer is Cuba, dummies), and 77 percent failed to identify a photograph of Benjamin Franklin, although 99 percent successfully identified Channing Tatum’s abs.

John Glynn
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