Ripping the Headlines Today, 8/27/15

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

It’s Panda-monium! National Zoo says Mei Xiang has twins

Or, as Donald Trump calls them ‘Anchor Cubs.’

Ex-Subway spokesman Jared Fogle to plead guilty to child pornography charges

He went from Jared from Subway to Jared that guy in the Subway.

Chris Christie says he’ll ride into Iowa fair on a pony

Where are you now that we need you, PETA?

You can now rent an apartment in Cuba

Or, as it’s known on Craig’s List, ‘Miami adjacent.’

Former Fiorina campaign staff claim they’d ‘rather go to Iraq’ than work for her again

Jeb Bush promises, if elected, he will send them there.

NY Times claims Amazon is a cruel, soul-devouring workplace

Apparently, working in the Amazon is less crappy than working for Amazon.

‘Fantastic Four’ bombs at box office

Looks like ‘Fantastic Four’ is not only the name of the movie, but name for all the people who actually saw it.

Happy 72nd birthday, Robert DeNiro

Now when you ask, ‘are you talking to me?’ It’s because your hearing’s going.

Ashley Madison hackers vow more attacks: report

I can’t be the only one wondering when the hackers will expose all the non-Jews on JDate.

Head of Rand Paul Super PAC indicted

Better than the candidate, who according to polls is having trouble getting himself arrested.

The marijuana problem that few people are talking about

Mostly, because they keep forgetting what it is.

21 warning signs someone is Bipolar

For one, they think there are 42 signs.

New women’s Viagra comes with warning mixing with alcohol could cause you to pass out

The same warning needs to be issued for having drinks with Bill Cosby.

Happy 69th birthday, Bill Clinton

Sometimes, these just write themselves.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)