Ripping the Headlines Today, 9/1/15

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Actress Megan Fox files for divorce

Calm down guys, you still don’t have a shot.

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker open to building wall along border with Canada

A little late, Guv, Bieber’s already here.

Tila Tequila booted from ‘Celebrity Big Brother’ over Hitler views

Word is, she doesn’t understand what the Fuhrer is all about.

Psychologists say something scary happens when you’re unemployed for a while

You’re unable to afford your psychologist.

Trump supporter tells U.S citizen Univision anchor to ‘get out of my country’

If that person was Trump’s wife, that country would be Slovenia.

Ben Affleck takes his daughters to see Taylor Swift because he is an awesome dad

No word, if he spent enough time with Taylor to become a song topic.

Paula Deen will be on ‘Dancing With The Stars’

Mostly, because there isn’t a show called ‘The Amazing Racist.’

Donald Trump says he’ll decide on third party bid soon

Although, would anyone really be surprised if he left the GOP for a younger Eastern European party?

Happy 54th birthday, Billy Ray Cyrus

At this point, you should be singing about your Achy Breaky Knees.

Chris Christie: FedEx CEO should teach us how to track immigrants like packages

How, exactly? Christie said he’d block that bridge when he got there.

It’s the 52nd anniversary of MLK’s “I Have a Dream” speech

I’m guessing he’d be really proud black men are now judged less by the color of their skin than by which Kardashian they’re banging.

Facebook logs a record one billion users in one day

Holy crap, a lot of people took pics of their cats.

Google’s robot ‘Atlas’ can now chase you into the woods

Or, as it’s also known ‘Atlas Shrubbed.’

China: Nobody understands what we’re doing

That’s cause you’re saying it in Chinese.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)