GOP Candidates vie to top each other’s insults after Trump successfully mocks Fiorina
WASHINGTON, DC — Donald Trump says he was only talking about Carly Fiorina’s “persona” — not her looks — when he suggested that shuddering Republicans couldnât possibly vote for “that horsey, arrogant, self-satisfied anorgasmic face.â
In a new interview in Rolling Stone released late Wednesday, the front-runner among GOP candidates said of his rival for the nomination, and only female Republican running, “Look at that face!”
âWould anyone vote for that?” Trump asked incredulously. “Can you imagine that, the face of our next president?! I mean, she’s a woman, and I’m not s’posedta say bad things, but really, folks, come on. Are we serious?”*
Asked to comment, Fiorina fired back: âWell, I think that orange-furred dick looks like a fucking orangutan, and if you want another opinion, ask Bill Maher!â
Fiorina went on: âSo howâd you like your president to look like Chewbacca, and sound like him too?â She mimicked a credible âChewie grunt,â albeit in the upper registers.
âAnd so far as I know,â Fiorina said, âthe hairy ape hasnât yet produced his birth certificate proving his father wasnât an orangutan. And then he quietly dropped his $5 million law suit against Maher, which says it all, doesnât it?â
Other GOP candidates were quick to leap onto the latest media band wagon.
âLetâs face it, Kim Davis is as ugly as sin, maybe even uglier,â said Mike Huckabee about the Kentucky bigot who refuses to license gay marriages. âHow she got married even once, never mind four times, is beyond me. Frankly, she looks just like Dick Cheney with hair, did you see that meme?â
âBut sometimes,â Huckabee added, placing his arm around Davisâs pudgy shoulders as they posed for pictures, âyou gotta close your eyes and think of England, or in my case, donations. Israel didnât go so well.â
Dr Ben Carson said that in his medical opinion Bobby Jindal was by far the ugliest of the GOP candidates in the entire field.
âAs someone who has carried out fetal tissue research,â he said, âJindal resembles a fried green jalapeno pepper slowly atrophying in the Louisiana sun.â
Carson added: âPiyush should go back to Kenya with his friend Obama and apply for immigrant status like everybody else. Except me. Iâm exempt because of the truly great time my family had under slavery.â
Almost-forgotten candidate Lindsey Graham jumped desperately into the fray. âWell, I think Ted Cruz looks like a great fat pig who canât believe heâs actually headed for the slaughter house,â he sneered. âEspecially since Teddy just fried some bacon on his AR-Phallus.â
âYeah, well Princess Lindsey looks and sounds like a failed extra for Gone with the Wind,â Cruz shot back. âAnd I donât mean one of the men.â
All GOP candidates, however, were united in a single condemnation. They universally hate Jeb(!) Bush.
âThat sucker looks and sounds enough like his former brother and father,â they all said, âto scare the living bejaysus out of everybody, even Sheldon Adelson. âRead our lips: No More Bushes.â
* Actual quote. — Ed.