Ripping the Headlines Today, 9/14/15

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Glenn Beck calls Sarah Palin a ‘Clown’

Clowns everywhere protest.

A jellyfish isn’t an actual fish

In the same way a ‘Dancing with the Stars’ contestant isn’t an actual star.

Mike Huckabee: Dred Scott is ‘to this day the law of the land’

Clearly, in college he made the Paula Deen’s list.

‘Eye of the Tiger’ was played at the Kim Davis rally

Mostly, because they couldn’t get the rights to ‘Crazy.’

Roscoe’s Chicken & Waffles to pay over $1 Million in racial discrimination suit

And, all this time, I thought they were an equal opportunity artery clogger.

‘I’ve never felt more isolated’: The man who sold ‘Minecraft’ to Microsoft for $2.5 billion reveals the empty side of success

Try adopting… Me.

Hillary Clinton is retooling her campaign to fix a major problem

No word on who they’ll replace her with.

Happy birthdays to Bernie Sanders and Wiz Khalifa

For those confused, one’s name is Wiz, the other gets up at 5 AM to wiz.

Chandra Bahadur Dangi: World’s Shortest Man Dies At Age 75

His one regret in life was not being able to ride the roller coasters at Six Flags…

Huckabee: I’m willing to go to jail in Kim Davis’ place

Be careful, Ben Carson says you could leave prison a gay.

Former Trump University students are exposing the school as a massive scam

You’d think they’d have learned how to file for bankruptcy.

Sarah Palin wants to be Secretary of Energy

Which is weird because she runs out of energy and quits half through most things…

Marijuana does not affect brain volume, study finds

That said, users do seem to like more volume on their music.

United CEO resigns over corruption charges and walks away with $21M, free flights for life

However, United will make it back charging him overhead baggage fees.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)