How to Avoid the Madding Crowds During the Pope’s Trip to the U.S.

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The Pope is coming: How to be prepared

  1. Pope FrancisPay a visit to your local Planned Parenthood for a new prescription for birth control pills.
  2. While you’re there, have the abortion you’ve been putting off.
  3. Have protected sex with multiple partners of different religions, races, and genders.
  4. Stay home and masturbate.
  5. Visit the Museum of Natural History’s exhibit on evolution.
  6. Research and Instagram your city’s five best lox-on-a-bagel-with-a-schmeer.
  7. Get a jump start on building your sukkah.
  8. Confess your mortal sins to a Protestant minister.
  9. Knock down half a dozen beers in The Cock, a rock and sleaze fag bar, dressed in drag.
  10. Build a giant border wall with Donald Trump at the Mexican border.
  11. Avoid masses of Latino immigrants, or masses of any kind.
  12. Make a pilgrimage to the Vatican in Rome — no lines to get into the Sistine Chapel!
  13. Lip sync John Lennon in a karaoke bar: “I don’t believe in Jesus. I just believe in me.”
  14. Don’t show your love for our Holy Father by wearing your “I ♥ POPE FRANCIS” tee shirt in public. Don a NJ Devils shirt instead.
  15. If you live in DC, NY, or Philly, PTFO.
Candy Schulman
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