Ripping the Headlines Today, 9/21/15

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Arnold Schwarzenegger to replace Donald Trump as ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ host

Ha, ha, ha, Donald, you lost your job to an immigrant.

Happy 69th birthday, Tommy Lee Jones

You don’t look a day over 140.

Taylor Swift being sued by DJ accused of groping her bum

I thought she stopped dating Harry Styles.

Rupert Murdoch bought ‘National Geographic’ for 750 million dollars

Somebody likes to see topless tribeswomen just a little too much.

Steve Rannazzisi, comedian who told of 9/11 escape, admits he lied

It turns out he was in Iraq with Brian Williams.

Meet Ben Carson, the crazy Republican who might beat Trump

Skin tone-wise, that would make black the new orange.

John Kasich wants to get rid of teachers’ lounges

This is so wrong. Now teachers having sex with students will have to get a hotel room. And, on their salaries, no less.

Flintstone House: San Francisco-area home visible from Interstate 280 reportedly up for sale

Not surprised the Flintstone house is in San Francisco. They did have a ‘gay ol’ time.’

How the GOP candidates fared in their 2nd debate

C’mon, it really was less a debate and more an audition for the next spokesperson for reverse mortgages.

Miley Cyrus reportedly dating comedian Dane Cook

Wonder which comedian he stole her from.

Clock maker Ahmed: ‘I won’t meet police chief without my lawyer’

Although, if they do meet, he will be on time.

Church says Trump isn’t an ‘active member’

Sounds like he’s a hairitic.

New solution cures snoring – And lets EVERYONE sleep at night

Well, until the police show up for putting a pillow over someone’s face.

People celebrate ‘Talk Like a Pirate Day’

Ann Coulter: ‘How many f—ing pirates do these people think are in the US, aaargh?’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)