Ripping the Headlines Today, 9/28/15

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Pope Francis upends the Catholic paradigm

Well, this Pope is a rebel. How else do explain his wearing white after Labor Day?

9 signs you may have hyperactive-impulsive type Adult ADHD

If you’re still reading this, you probably don’t.

John Boehner stepping down as House Speaker

Once he leaves Congress, no word on what he’ll do with those extra 4 days off a year.

Matt Damon plays astronaut stuck on Mars

Apparently, he’s unable to get home in time to stop Ben Affleck from having sex with the nanny.

Lady Gaga flashes her underwear while wearing a very revealing look on ‘American Horror Story’

I’m shocked. She was wearing underwear?

Sarah Palin slams Ahmed: ‘That’s a clock, and I’m the Queen of England’

Well, Sarah, you do look a little like Elton John.

Pope Francis looked happier to be with the homeless than with members of Congress

Better the homeless than the clueless.

Emmy Awards 2015: Winners, highlights and top moments

What an outrage. The ‘In Memorum’ section forgot to mention Lindsey Lohan’s career.

Can Joe Biden run with a broken heart?

Good question, although many have run heartless…

Scott Walker leaves Prez race early

Just like in college, although this time he’s copying off Rick Perry.

GOP candidate Carson: ‘Muslim shouldn’t be elected president’

No word if Trump corrected him and said ‘Again…”

The Pope flew from DC to JFK

Although, if he really wanted to feel the pain of the less fortunate, he’d have landed in Newark and taken a shuttle into NYC.

Playboy playmate denied gun permit by NYPD because of ‘sexy pics on the internet’

She was later cited for having two 45s and a gun.

Pot-Friendly candidates emerge in 2016 election

Frankly, they all seem like they’re smoking something.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)