Ripping the Headlines Today, 10/6/15

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Volkswagen emissions scandal relates to 11 million cars

There are lies of commission and omission and now, thanks to VW, we can add lies of emission.

Kim Davis gets an award for breaking the law to discriminate against gay people

One thing we know for sure, it wasn’t a Tony…

Hilary Clinton: ‘It’s been a drip, drip, drip’

No word if she was talking about her emails, or Bill before taking penicillin.

Facebook crashes three times in three weeks

That makes it less a social media platform and more like an old college roommate with no money.

NASA: ‘We’ll find aliens by 2025 – here’s the most likely place they’re hiding’

If it’s in prime time on NBC, it’ll be years before someone looks there.

GOP to vote to repeal ObamaCare for 61st time

If at first you don’t succeed, fail, fail again…

John Boehner says he does yoga

In fact, to sober up, he uses the ‘Downward Facing Hair of the Dog’ position.

Trump declines to correct man who says Obama is Muslim

Correct him? Hell, I’m surprised he didn’t adopt him…

What do porn stars do after they retire?

That shouldn’t be ‘what’ but ‘who.’

Mike Huckabee takes on rainbow-colored Doritos

Who’s next? Dairy Queen?

Blood Moon seen from Seattle — and across the world

I can’t be the only one who thinks Blood Moon sounds like one of those stupid names celebrities give their kids.

Evidence found of summertime water flows on Mars

If they found it in SoCal, that would be science fiction…

A House divided: How the GOP is ‘fractured’ ahead of leadership elections

A suggestion for the new Republican Congressional Caucus motto: ‘A House divided that no one can stand.’

Jeb Bush to release proposal to replace ObamaCare

The plan is going to be called IDontCare.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)