Famed lawgiver called âa yuuuge loser who didnât have a clue how to negotiateâ by Trump
NYC — Donald Trump says that his famous inability to cite a single Bible verse forced him recently “to take just one more look inside my favorite book, of course only to refresh my memory about some of the details.”

He was amazed at what he rediscovered. During a press conference Tuesday the mop-haired mogul noted in an uncharacteristically hushed voice: âDid you know that God started out as property developer, just like me? You wonât believe this, but I always felt a deep kinship with Him.â
Mr Trump went on: âAlso didja know He made the earth in only six days? Thatâs almost miraculous! Let me tell you, the Trump Organization has a cubicle for Mr Jehovah any time he wants.â
Another thing that re-struck him, Mr Trump said, was what a âyuuuge, sorry loserâ Moses was, and how weak and incompetent he proved in his negotiations with pharaoh.
âIâm sorry to say it, but President Moses wasnât very smart. Apparently, he was pharaohâs adopted grandson, so at least he shoulda tried being nice to the old boy. Instead he threatens him.
“Frankly, he couldn’t negotiate his way out of a reed basket floating down the Nile, even after pharoah’s daughter adopted him, or so she said.â
Mr Trump went on to emphasize that âthe art of the deal does not normally include threatening the other side, especially not with plagues and famines. A couple of strategic nuclear missiles, maybe, but we can talk about Iran later.â
He continued: âIn Mosesâ case, it just hardened pharaohâs heart, so that even after he let the people go he reneged on the deal and came after them. I call that a failed negotiation.â
Mr Trump observed that if heâd been the Israelite president, he would have worked for and secured a much better deal.
âYou hafta ask yourself, what does the other side want? Then give them as little as you can while making it look like theyâre getting it all and youâre taking a beating. Read The Art of the Deal, it’s actually more useful than what that clown Moses wrote.â
He added: âA good example are my empty, bombastic promises to the American electorate. They think theyâre gonna get something but really itâs all just political methane gas.â
Mr Trump said that instead of boils and locusts, he would have offered pharaoh âa nice little property deal, which is what everybody wants, no?
âIâd have told him, âListen, Rameses, you need some big pyramids built in Giza, but you donât have the labor. Thatâs why you wonât let my people go, amirite?”
He laughed. âWell relax, King Tut, you obviously never heard of foreign guest workers. Weâll still do it for you and even get the Sumerians to pay for it. A hundred thousand men over 20 years? No problem.
“Iâll even throw in a sphinx. You’ll be able to build a whole tourist industry around it, believe me.â
Mr Trump closed out the press conference by noting that he was also studying the âinstructiveâ story of David and Goliath.
âThe big guy shouldâve just held up his shield,â he said. âThatâs what the bankruptcy laws are for. And then afterwards he squashes that little punk Rubio with his fat, hairy financial thumbs. Because thatâs what fat, hairy thumbs are for, amirite?â
He sighed. âGod, I love the Bible.â