Ripping the Headlines Today, 10/20/15

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

headlines today Wiz Khalifa — Wiz Khalifa.

Rapper Wiz Khalifa arrested for public urination

I would have paid money to see the cops’ faces when they asked him his name.

Lincoln Chafee’s awkwardness at debate leaves many questioning former Rhode Island governor’s 2016 bid

On the bright side, after seeing him in the debate, Chaffee’s family can now take his picture off those milk cartons… he’s ok.

BUSTED: Feds arrest Fox ‘terrorism expert’ for pretending to be a former CIA agent

If they busted Fox for pretending to be news, they’d empty the place.

Bill Clinton: ‘I’ll be taking a back seat in Hillary’s campaign’

The only question is whom he’ll be messing around with in that back seat.

13 lifestyles that can lead to depression

Shit, this reads more like my daily to-do list…

Wendy’s employees fired for leaving racist note in 7-year-old’s meal

On the positive side, it was the most nutritious item.

Bernie Sanders: ‘I’m sick of talking about damn emails’

Although, back in the day, he made sure his telegraph was secure.

John Stamos charged with a DUI

Personally, I think its punishment enough that every report begins with calling him ‘the Full House actor.’

Dennis Hastert to plead guilty to paying hush money

Which means he’s free to speaker again in 4 to12 years.

Pornography actor opens up ‘Porn University’ for aspiring adult film performers

I’m guessing it’ll be in same conference as Ball State.

It’s over! Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris breakup after he lied to singer

Look for a double album on this one.

Koko: Gorilla known for her sign language abilities presented with kittens on 44th birthday

In related news, she, also, turned down chance to be Speaker of the House.

Happy 61st Birthday, David Lee Roth

At this point he might as well… nap.

Jeb Bush: You can’t trust Donald Trump with our nuclear codes

This from a guy whose brother couldn’t correctly pronounce the word ‘nuclear.’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)