Ripping the Headlines Today, 11/3/15

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Canadian marijuana companies smiling after election

Yup, Canada’s national flower is whole new kinda Maple Leaf.

Jeb Bush has a YouTube page

Mostly, because they don’t make a ‘GoingDownTheTubes’ page.

A recent study said pizza is as addictive as cocaine

Proving somebody needs a better cocaine dealer.

Does the crime rate spike on Halloween?

Not really sure, but just in case, I dressed up for Halloween as a Congressional jobs bill. That way I never had to leave the house.

Bernie Sanders explains self-description as ‘democratic socialist’

Or, maybe, it was Larry David, can anyone really tell the difference?

Study: Bacon causes cancer

Somehow, that just doesn’t seem kosher to me.

Face it: Ted Cruz won the Republican debate

Yeah, but didn’t Canada already have its election?

Ozzy Osbourne says it’s ‘the end’ of ‘Black Sabbath’

Actually, what he said was, ‘Gifbois Jiaba Hasahsback…’

Happy Birthday, Caitlyn Jenner

Ok, do we put 66 or 1 candle on that birthday cake?

Almond milk’s out – So which non-dairy alternatives should we be drinking?

‘Jack Daniels’ is really good when poured over some ‘Frosted Flakes.’ Or, so I’ve heard.

Jeb cuts campaign staffers pay 40%

Carly Fiorina told him she could get him a better deal by outsourcing those jobs to China.

Happy 70th birthday, Henry Winkler

Hope you got Mrs. C a good deal on that reverse mortgage.

Diabetics: Do this one thing before eating sugar

Uh, estate planning?

Germany about to start up a monster machine that could revolutionize way we use energy

That’s fine, I guess, unless they’re developing it with Italy and Japan.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)