Ripping the Headlines Today, 11/9/15

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Democratic debate a break-out chance for Martin O’Malley

For those of you not in O’Malley’s immediate family, here’s a picture, he’s the one who’s not Hillary Clinton or a Larry David impersonator.

Ben Carson fabricated violent juvenile past, CNN investigation suggests

Ben, Ben, Ben — if that’s even your real name.

U.S Senators and Mayors outed as members of the KKK by Anonymous

Look for the HBO docudrama. ‘Good old Boyz in the Hoodies.’

Mexico’s Supreme Court: Individuals have right to use marijuana & grow it for personal use

Not surprising from the folks who invented nachos.

Happy 69th Birthday, Sally Field

We like you. We really like you. We’re just saying it louder so you can hear us.

Ford refutes Donald Trump’s claims on Mexico plant

In honor of Trump’s claim, Ford should name a car after him… ‘The Lincoln Clown Car.’

Never say this when an employer asks why you were fired

“My last boss couldn’t take a punch.”

The US unemployment rate is at five percent

Or, as Republicans call it…. Benghazi.

Meg Whitman: Carly Fiorina not qualified to be President

Not sure if that’s of the U.S, HP or a ‘U2’ fan club.

Playboy getting rid of totally nude photos

So, they really do think people read the articles…

Lindsey Graham threatens drone strikes on Americans

Adding: ‘Well, not everyone. Not the .000001 percent of the country that says they’re voting for me…’

15 signs you may have adult ADHD – ABC News

How interesting… oh wait, look… cat video.

President Obama rejects the XL Pipeline

Chris Christie says he’d overturn the decision if elected president, because the only thing he likes more than an XL is an XXL.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)