Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Trump won’t rule out independent run for president

Proving he took his loyalty oath to the Republican Party as seriously as his marriage vows.

Sean Connery’s wife ordered to stand trial in Spain fraud case

Wondering if she was able to post bond. Bail bond.

T-Mobile CEO says BlackBerry ‘on a comeback’

Guessing they made announcement on the their MySpace page.

Limbaugh: Ben Carson is ‘probably not’ equipped for presidency

Fair enough, given Limbaugh isn’t equipped to need a brain surgeon.

Sharyl Attkisson: Obama will not read intelligence on U.S.-recognized terrorist groups

That explains why no one has shut down ‘Nickleback.’

Elizabeth Hassleback is leaving ‘Fox and Friends’

For a more appropriate show, ‘A Fox with No Friends.’

APP diagnoses STDs

I guess it’s true, there is a CLAPP for that.

Alaskan Bush People: Father and Son from Reality TV series plead guilty to fraud and theft

Makes them sound like those Texas Bush people…

Russia reveals scanner that can see through wall

Causing Sarah Palin to shower in a bathing suit.

Alice’s Restaurant: Thanksgiving 2015 marks 50 years since event that inspired Arlo Guthrie’s song

And, the length of the actual song…

White House on lockdown after fence-jumper caught: reports

Although, he did get closer to the Oval Office than Mitt Romney ever will.

Putin orders sanctions against Turkey

No word if he also issues threat against stuffing, casseroles and cranberry sauce.

Jeb Bush accuses Obama of getting US in Mid East quagmires

Up next, Dick Cheney accuses friend’s face of getting in way shotgun pellets.

Obama compares Syrian refugees to the Pilgrims

Which is weird, because the Native Americans probably shouldn’t have let the Pilgrims in.

Author
Recent Posts

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)