Basement flooded, elves refusing to work under water, Mrs Claus leaving – normally jolly Santa is pissed.
NORTH POLE â A visibly grumpy Santa Claus announced today that he would âabsolutely notâ be making gift deliveries to GOP âclimate deniersâ this year.
âYou think because that idiot Inhoffe can make a snowball in winter weâre not drowning up here?â he said. âWhat, he hasnât seen the polar bear pictures?â
Santa laughed bitterly. âAnd I hear heâs chair of your Environment and Public Works committee. These lunatics must be stopped!â
The not-so-jolly old elf pulled an official USGS thermometer from under his beard.
âSee that?” he said, waving it. “The difference between freezing and thawing is just one muthaffukin degree. Excuse me, thatâs Inuit for âa small amount.â Thirty-two it freezes, thirty-three it melts. These days weâre getting up to a fathafukkin 57 in the summer.â
Santa said that one result was that the basement in his home under the north pole, where the elves labored, was now flooded almost the whole year round.
âThe poor little green buggers,â he said feelingly, ânow have to work outside in the semi-snow in the winter, and almost tropical temperatures in the summer. Hungry polar bears come sniffing around and last week,â Santaâs eyes moistened, âRudolf lost his shiny red nose to a marauding sea lion.â
Santa said that things had gotten so bad Mrs Claus was threatening to leave. âShe says unless I do something about the water situation, well, sheâs had a very tempting offer from Wotan in Valhalla. Thatâs where we originally came from, you know.â
After a âwar councilâ with the elves and a couple of the leading reindeer, Santa continued, the Xmas community had decided to cut all climate deniers from their gift list.
âYeah, we know whoâs been naughty,â he continued menacingly. âThere are advantages to being a godlet, even an imaginary one.â
The once kindly old semi-deity polished his glasses on his sleeve.
âFirst non-gift,â he growled, âis that not one of those koksukers — Inuit for ignorant, money-grubbing narcissist — is gonna actually get to be president. I guarantee you that, though I wanna see them all run for a bit. What a laugh, especially that Canadian idiot who wants to carpet bomb the middle east. What, Israel too?â
For a moment Santa almost looked like his old roly-poly self. Then he frowned again.
âBut my second non-gift will be even better!â he said. âAfter Trump gets his ass whupped in 2016, Iâm gonna give those CDers — Climate Deniers — President Bernie Sanders!
âPlus 100% gun control, free abortions at government-funded Planned Parenthood clinics, industry regulations limiting carbon emissions, a jobs program focused on infrastructure repair, and a foreign policy whose objectives are peace and not war!â
He laughed evilly again. âAnd Elizabeth Warren as Vice President!â