Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Miss Colombia: Mega porn offer… choose your sex partner and make a million

Advice to Miss Colombia: Say you want Steve Harvey, and then say you got it wrong; you really want Cedric the Entertainer.

Richard Marx and Daisy Fuentes tie the knot

They’re going to spend their honeymoon in 1986.

North Carolina neighborhood shocked by KKK Christmas message

Not to mention those carolers singing ‘I’m dreaming of a white people Christmas.’

Jimmy Carter: Medical marijuana cured my cancer

Too bad his brother Billy isn’t around to start selling ‘Billy Bongs.’

Clinton building most expansive fundraising network in recent memory

Apparently, It even reaches into debate forum bathrooms…

Fans outraged over Adele ticket sales

They may go from ‘Hello’ to ‘hell no.’

Macauly Culkin reprises ‘Home Alone’ character

A few more years and he’ll be in ‘In The Home Alone.’

US announces $88 million in food aid to Ethiopia

Which qualifies them for the 10 items or less aisle at the Addis Ababa Whole Foods.

Louisiana man walks into bar and kills estranged wife, man in murder-suicide: authorities

Witnesses include a priest, a rabbi and a pastor.

Yahoo: CEO Marissa Mayer’s severance package reportedly worth more than $150 million

Or, as she phrased it, ‘Yaaaaaaaahooooooooo!!!!!’

California governor pardons Robert Downey Jr. for 1990s drug conviction’

But, let’s hope not for his appearance in ‘Bowfinger.’

Democratic debate draws 8 million viewers

All I know is after the debate I got emails for money from Sanders and Clinton. And a phone call directly from Martin O’Malley… Collect.

Trump: Why I may have to go to war with Ted Cruz

But first, before going to war, he’s going to take his usual deferment.

New York Knicks player allegedly robbed by two women he brought home from a nightclub

Classic, a Knick can’t score on or off the court.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)