[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Hillary’s 2016 Resolution: Destroy Bernie and ‘Seem Nice While Doing It’

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“Sanders will not do to me what Obama did in 2008,” declared Hillary Clinton.

WASHINGTON — Today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced her 2016 resolution was to “completely destroy” U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont — her primary challenger for the party’s presidential nomination. Clinton asserted she wanted to tear down Sanders, and everything he ever loved, while also desiring to “seem nice while doing it” so her already upside-down favorability numbers did not go even lower.

hillary clinton“My 2016 resolution is to do everything I can to burn Bernie Sanders and everyone he loves to the ground, because he is the only thing standing in the way of me being the Democratic presidential nominee. Sanders will not do to me what Obama did in 2008,” declared a spry 69-year-old Hillary Clinton, who added, “And does anyone know Bernie Sanders is a 75-year-old socialist?”

Clinton continued, “Isn’t Bernie’s age more important than me palling around with the bankers, and not wanting to do anything meaningful to reform Wall Street or avoid the next financial meltdown? Isn’t his age worse than me voting to authorize the 2003 invasion of Iraq, and learning so little from it that I openly entertain the very real possibility of a war with Iran if I am president?”

“Well, apparently a lot of Americans think my policy positions are more concerning than Bernie’s age, which brings me to the topic of favorability. A lot of Democrats and Republicans view me as an opportunistic snake,” said Clinton, who mumbled something that sounded like “sexists.”

“So, to try and not sink my favorability numbers even more, I will just have my supporters attack Bernie Sanders. That way, it will seem like I am above dirty political tricks and had nothing to do with attacks on Bernie that clearly benefit me,” said a smiling Hillary.

Secretary Clinton disclosed she also wanted to “do more running and some serious abs work” in 2016.

Alexander Vosh
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