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TEL AVIV â As you probably know, I, Joe the Plumber, decided to go to Israel to find out the Truth that the media will not say. This is big news, and Iâm happy to report that the networks continue to report on my reporting, and thatâs great, because theyâre reporting some real news for once. It feels good to be in the news again, because Iâm comfortable there, and thatâs why I decided to get into this here so-called ânewsâ so-called âbusiness.â
Anyway, after a very long flight (who knew the Atlantic Ocean was so huge? Isnât it the small one?), I landed in Tel Aviv, and immediately set to work to dig out the Truth. Well, first I got a room. Very nice, for such a backward country. And the people are darned nice too, but they donât speak very good English. I donât think a plumber could find much work around here either, Iâm guessing they draw all their water from wells.
So, once I was settled in and took a much-needed nap, I decided to get a feel for the country. I walked around, and figured the best way to get to know a culture is by eating there. So, I dropped into a little place and they gave me something called a âfalafelâ and asked me if I wanted to hum âUs,â but I didnât know the tune, so I just said, âgive me some of that stuff youâre holding,â and it was this nice creamy, light-tan-colored stuff, which was yummy.
So, although I didnât find any burgers and fries, I did manage to fuel up for the task at hand. And now, boy, am I excited to get at the Truth for my faithful American readers.
I decided to just approach people on the street, and ask them what they think. With a bunch of other reporters there, all pointing their cameras at me, it was a little hard to get any natives to talk into my microphone. But finally, I stop one, and he says âWhat are you doing, you crazy American?! You run up and stick something in my face? Donât you know how dangerous it is around here?!!â Then he turned and walked off in a huff. Sheesh! Kinda sensitive around here, I guess. But I did learn one thing â they are apparently very edgy in Israel. Iâll have to be more careful.
So the next time, I manage to lose the crowd of reporters, and I sneak up on a couple of young women, so as not to scare them. But they mustâve seen a sniper behind me or something, the way they screamed and ran away. I turned around real quick, but the snipers were gone.
Finally, Iâm sitting at this cafĂ© place, having a beer (no Coors, but a surprisingly good brew), when a guy asks me if Iâm American. I say, âand proud of it,â and he says, âThatâs good. You Americans give us lots of money to defend ourselves, we like you.â So I said, âCan I ask you some questions? Iâm a real reporter from America, and Iâve come to find the Truth.â So he says, âYeah, sure.â âOk,â I think, ânow weâre getting somewhere.â
Ok, so I ask this guy, whose name is Shahed, âWhatâs really going on here, between Israel and the Gaza-ites? And what he said was real interesting, and I think itâs about time the American people heard it, because this guy really lives here, full time, and he should know.
âWe just want to live in peace, but theyâre always shooting missiles at us,â he said. âI donât understand, because we gave them some rocky land and access to water if we donât use it all, and everything. Sure, weâve long blockaded Gaza’s ports and stopped cross-border shipment of needed supplies, creating a humanitarian crisis well before the current fighting began, but we have to protect ourselves.â
So there you have it. All sides of the story, reported dutifully directly to you, unfiltered. I donât understand why itâs so hard for the liberal elitist media to do. Except for the one âfair and balancedâ network, and theyâre from the center. You never hear from the right, hardly. Whatâs up with that?
Anyway, this is Joe the Plumber, reporting from Israel. Hope to be home in civilization soon. God bless America and still-president Bush!
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