Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

headlines today

US and Allies conduct 24 airstrikes against Islamic State targets in Iraq

Someone just tell Liam Neeson ISIS took his daughter. That should finish them off.

Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are fed up with living together

Not as much as the rest of us are about hearing about it.

CNN reporter Poppy Harlow passed out while on the air

Thank god, one of CNN’s three viewers called paramedics.

Ivanka Trump defends Donald Trump

Proving where there’s a will there’s a way.

You’ll never guess what marijuana is being blamed for now

I know, I know… wait, I forgot…

Steve Harvey signs for 3 more years as host of ‘Miss Universe’ pageant

Look for him to also host next year’s spelling bee live from the ‘Philpeans.’

Robert Spitzer, most influential psychiatrist, dies at 83

In lieu of flowers, people are just being asked, ‘so, how does this make you feel?’

This is what Beyoncé wears to chill with Hillary Clinton

According to Kanye West, it should be, ‘What Hillary Clinton wears to chill with Beyonce.’

RIP Harlem Globetrotter legend, Meadowlark Lemon

Some advice, you might want to save the old water/confetti in the bucket trick for once you’re officially in heaven.

David Spade complains Michelle Obama’s been on ‘Ellen’ more than him

Maybe, because she’s funnier.

People report feeling 4.2 earthquake in L.A.

Well, it was either an earthquake or a bunch of folks exhibiting the effects of eating at Chipotle all at the same time.

Bill Cosby indicted

Bill Cosby should sue Viagra because his erection lasted four decades.

Republican Carson’s campaign manager, 20 staffers quit

Ironically, not working for a brain surgeon means they no longer need to have their heads examined.

Ninja Lanternshark: Scientists discover new species of shark off Central America coast

Never mind, it was just conference of lawyers on break.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)